Saint Valentinus was a martyr, and not a particularly interesting one as far as martyrs go. He died during the reign of Claudius II and so little is known about him that the pope who established the feast of St. Valentine to honor the martyrs of his time referred to these martyrs as those “… whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God.”
In addition to being the patron saint of love and marriage, he is also the patron saint of beekeepers because why the fuck not?
We buy our significant others expensive-ass gifts in his name, but it’s unclear exactly why. It might have something to do with Chaucer essentially inventing a snazzy back-story for Saint Valentine. It doesn’t matter now though. The damage has been done.
You’ve already spent every lunch hour for the past week and a half trying to find a good deal on roses for the big day and let the fop at that chain jewelry store talk you into buying one of those charm bracelets.
I hope you saved the receipt, because grown ass women do not wear charm bracelets. You’ve been had, sir. Now take yourself back to the jewelry store and demand that the gay man behind the counter give you your money back so that you can buy her what she really wants: the baddest vibrator you’ve ever seen.
Or maybe the ramp that makes hittin’ it from behind extra awesome.
I’m going to level with you, boys. Any woman who takes a completely made-up holiday seriously enough to pitch a fit in the middle of an Olive Garden because you didn’t buy her a pair of diamond earrings and a pony is a woman you need to kick to the curb right now before she transforms into a cold-blooded reptilian creature and devours you skull-first. The only people who require you to fulfill your lady’s every desire on Valentine’s Day are the greeting card companies, and I highly recommend you tell Hallmark where to shove it because there’s nothing the inside of a card can say that won’t sound just as magical coming from you over an awesome dinner any night of the year.
So don’t stress this year. If your girlfriend doesn’t come complete with a massive sense of entitlement, she’ll be happy you’re together no matter what day it is and she won’t need a box of chocolates or a fat rock.
But still get her a sex toy. That’s an awesome gift.
And if you know a beekeeper, hook him up with a drink on the 14th. It’s his day too, y’know.
The Plucky One
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