I’m single, which is shocking when you consider what a delightful young lady I am. Shocking, I tell you!
This is Red
Even when you’re vocally and aggressively apposed to the entire institution of Valentine’s Day on the basis that no one actually knows anything about Saint Valentine, it’s hard to watch everyone around you exchanging diamond tennis bracelets and thousands of calories worth of assorted chocolates.
I don’t like feeling left out, so I bought myself a couple of mules. No, like really. Their names are Red and John Henry. No, I didn’t name them and no, I will not be assigning them fresh monikers. Red happens to be red and John Henry is older than I am, so he deserves a full and dignified name.
This is John Henry
I’ll be spending the better part of Valentine’s Day channeling my inner 12 year old and braiding little pink ribbons into John Henry’s tail because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy while everyone around me is reveling in couple-hood.
Hallmark has a monopoly on making the romantically unattached feel like miserable failures whenever a gift-centric holiday rolls around, which is why I highly recommend finding your own personal John Henry and plaiting his silky tail until your heart is content.
Except instead of a mule old enough to be my grandfather, you might want to find something that suites your tastes, like a copy of Soul Caliber V or a tricked-out custom Fleshlight.
And don’t feel bad about being single. You’re at liberty to masturbate whenever you want, so cherish the freedom to stroke it with the bathroom door open and have an awesome Valentine’s Day.
Shout out to all my beekeepers, yo’.
The Single Plucky One
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Very nice. I’m not sure which is hotter, Red or the Fleshlight, 2nd row down, 2nd from right.
Cheers!
Jeff
I’m partial to both Red, John Henry, and the 2nd Fleshlight from the left on the top row.
You guys are nuts. The Blue alien is the only way to go!
Mmmmmmm…. Alien pussy….